Sometimes parents need it more (therapy)

This lady came to me for help with kids coaching because her daughter of 3 was out of control. Her emotions of anger, sadness and grief were so strong that they almost became unbearable for her surroundings. The parents could not go anywhere with their kid, before making a huge drama. This had mayor impact on the whole family. Both mother and daughter are very high sensitive by the way.

As usual I started to work with mother first and it seemed that she had some deep feelings of guilt towards her daughter because she had a depression (ptss) after having her. This is why she could not put any bounderies on her child: She felt guilty and had thoughts of not giving enough love to her child.

She was in doubt all the time (‘Is it okay to put her to bed alone?’ ‘Can I leave her alone with her grandparents?’ Etc). A child feels this, and when her parents are not putting bounderies with some form of self secureness, she feels unsafe, lost and her behaviour will be uncontrolled.

How can a child put boundaries on her own emotions and actions if her mother doesn’t do this either? ‘Limits’ are no part of her knowledge and habilities that way. Love for your child is also teaching her about limiting your own behaviour: this will help her throughout her whole life. Yoga is about having control over senses, thoughts, emotions, words and actions; we cannot start early enough with our children to teach them this! According to the Bhagavad Gita is having your thoughts, words and actions in one line (which requires some form of mind-control) is the direct way to intens happiness.

While working with mom she raised her self esteem about her parenting (overall she did such an amazing job being a mom, sometimes we need the confirmation of a professional or outsider to really believe this) and she learned to follow her own motherly instinct better instead of letting fear defying her actions.

She started to put bounderies on her daughters behaviour in a super gentle but strict way: ‘It is okay to feel sad or angry, but now you have to stop crying and …’ Within a week the girls’ behaviour changed completely: for months they could not go out of the house with her, but now it felt like having another kid at home: she was calm and balanced and they could go any place. Even for a longer period of time, which was never possible before.

The child got this basic feeling of being safe and secure, because of her mothers limits, self awareness and self secureness: there was control, so she did not have to be out of control until limits were set for her.

I never worked with the kid directly only with the mother. There was nothing wrong with the child! Often we look for causes within the child, but mostly it is the parents we have to work with to find the best solution. Kids are only a mirror of the parent. The energy you radiate, is to be recognised by the behaviour of the child. A bit confronting, but such a relief when discovered!